So this one time, I met this guy called Izrael. Weird name, I know but he was a cool kid. He didn't look the part but I could sense it.
I introduced myself and we started to talk about our master plan for world domination. Izrael, or Izzy, as people that liked him called him decided that it would be a good idea to create baby vampires to take over the world and we could have an army of vampire killer babies to help us out.
I thought this idea was pretty good, but there were definite loopholes in the plan, the main flaw being the non-existance of vampires. So we put our heads together over a beer or 2 and decided the best thing to do would be to find a robot-cowboy-pirate-ninja-space-astronaut-secret-millionaire-super-agent-death-bringing-monkey to grant us 3 wishes and we would use the wishes to manipulate the world to however we wanted it, but we has conflicting ideas, I had ideas of myself being a big cool guy and Izzy just wanted peace, it was like Gryffindor vs. Slytherin all over again. We soon came to settle our differences by having world control alternating days of the week and we'd each have a different Sunday.
But what we didn't realise was that Alex (Alex the Cunning - to his enemies) had spiked our drinks with Dettol and Crack so me and Izzy were buzzing our tiny tits off singing to Abba and we forgot all about our plan of world domination and decided to rent a small shack in Bristol were we spend the weekends smoking weed out of an apple and playing darts with Ronan Keating (who, for the record, is a prick).
Alex the Cunning was as cunning as his name and decided he wanted to make plans for world domination himself so he went out and got himself a meatball Sub because he had himself some vouchers that came free with the Daily Mail and sat down with his drawing board. He came up with an amazing plot that would soon have the world trembling before him and he was sure of it.
His plan was to take over BBC and ITV and make all the cool characters like Rupert the Bear and Arthur evil mean bastards that didn't like candy floss, thus turning kids against the very idea of candy floss and making fun fairs candy floss-less. With the loss of candy floss on his side Alex the Cunning was so sure that nobody wanted to go to Campion Hills anymore when the fair was on because it wasn't the same without the sweet sugar treat and so the world became a dull, lifeless place. With the world miserable and said Alex the Cunning put his plan into motion, he started handing out Blue Smarties to minors if they helped him to subdue adults. The nippers were so hyperactive that they had the strength of an Ox on Red Bull so pinning down a few adults was like crushing a Twix with a clamp, fucking easy.
Before long Alex the Cunning had everyone doing as he wanted, everyone except to long lost abondoned heroes. The 2 resided in Bristol, and it was now up to them to save the world.
After hearing about the evil wanking plan, Izzy and I decided enough was enough and all this shit must be stopped, mainly because Ronan Keating had been dragged into Alex the Cunnings plan and we were getting fed up with eachother.
So we pulled up our socks and began working on our own plan to stop the ballbag.
"Why don't we just ask him to stop! That's the easiest thing to go" Izzy would say repeatedly whilst chowing down a cheese and onion pasty. That wouldn't work, Alex the Cunning was far too evil and cunning to do anything asked of him, but Izzy was just too nice for his own good and was determined to make his idea work.
I, on the other hand had a plan to get Michael Jordan to fold Alex the Cunning into a paper airplane and throw him to Jupiter where our Alien companions (the ones me and Izzy met last Thursday in Kelsey's) would probe him into next week and make him see he's super mean. That would surely teach him a lesson.
Izzy and myself decided to pack our bags and after confirming we had enough Maltesers, Lynx, Rammstein and Glitter for the journey, we set off to get the train which cost a whole £6.30 one-way, madness, I know. We began walking to Alex the Cunnings house, but not before stopping off at Vialli's because I had snorted too much glitter and was just tripping out so bad I needed some chips, cheese and a can of coke to straighten me out. Upon the arrival of Alex the Cunnings house we saw the big black beast he calls 'Spanner'. Spanner, or Hound from Hell as me and Izzy know him as, sensed our presence and began to breathe fire and shit baby ninja's to take us out. But we knew this was coming, for Dumbledore had taught us all we needed to know, and we simply said 'Spanner! Sit!' to which he sat and we continued on up the path.
Alex the Cunning had been expecting us, he sat stroking he facial hair and greeted us with a "ahhhh! What do you dickheads want!?", but before I could call Michael Jordan Izzy blurted out "Aleeeexxxx, stop being mean!"
To which Alex the Cunning replied, "okay, faggot." and we all went to Kelsey's and got drunk.
Alex the Cunning became pretty good friends with us from that point and we still hang out and stuff to this day.
Yay.
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