There was once a man that lived in a dark, dingy wood named Byrch. Byrch was an old, frail man with a skinny posture and looked like he would snap at any point. He had a pointed chin and a nose equally sharp and long with a thinning grey beard that elongated his already stretched face.
Byrch was a fan of the band "Tenacious D". He had all of their albums, a signed poster sitting on the wall in his bedroom and often spent his days tucked away watching the movie "The Pick of Destiny". The great thing about Byrch living in such an isolated location was that he could play his music as loud as he wanted and nobody would question it.
One day, while casually channel surfing, Byrch saw an advert on Kerrang. An advert that made his heart skip a beat and he almost soiled his already relatively dirty underwear. Tenacious D were going to playing live in the town local to his home in the woods. When the advert came to an end Byrch immediately thought to himself "I have to get tickets!". But how? He was far too old to walk to the nearest ticket station and he didn't have a telephone nor the internet.
Downhearted at the thought that he may possibly miss the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, Byrch went to bed. As he lay there he started to think through possibilites as to how he was going to get himself the ticket. He thought if he woke early enough he could catch the postman and ask him if he could possibly collect them for him if he gave the money to him. But Byrch had gotten very mistrusting in his old age, so much so he deduced that he would rather miss the concert than lose £25 to a postman with a pony tail and stupid earring. So once again, Byrch started to think.
As he was about to give up he looked out of his window and saw a cat perched in a looming tree, its shadow dancing on his bedroom floor, darkened by the moonlight. Byrch's mouth suddenly went dry, for now he had a plan.
He struggled out of bed and hobbled to the kitchen, where he got some bread, paper, a pen and string. He settled the bread on the doorstep and watched as the cat with the dancing shadow slowly creeped up and began to feast. Byrch knew cats were as untrusting as himself, so with surgical precision and caution he approached it. The cat began to move away and Byrch stopped, throwing more bread. The cat remained and Byrch continued to walk forward. As he drew closer he stretched out his arms and tied a note around the cats neck, a note requesting a ticket to be delivered to his home and he went pay extra for delivery charge and for the ticket itself on the day of arrival.
The cat looked up at Byrch and began to try to sniff the foreign object placed around its neck. Byrch punched the cat in the head, he knew that the cat would learn playing with the note was bad if it got hurt when doing so. The cat, clearly furious at the blow it had recieved, ran away.
Byrch then struggled back up the long, wooden staircase and climbed back into his bed with rusted springs, confident that when he woke, there would be a delivery of a Tenacious D ticket.
But when Byrch woke the next morning there was no ticket. As he moved painfully into his kitchen he noticed the window was open and all of his food from his fridge and cupboards had been taken out and torn open and devoured. Furious at the thought of a filthy racoon or fox in his home, Byrch began to clean. The realisation of not having Tenacious D tickets yet dawned on him and he has solemnly in his recliner, watching The Pick of Destiny.
The next morning Byrch was sure he would have a delivery, but no, instead he went into the kitchen and just like the night before all of the contents of his food storage had been taken out and devoured. Furious again Byrch began to clean, muttering curses as he did. This strange activity contuined over the next 4 nights and on the 5th morning Byrch had decided that he wasn't going to stand for it anymore and he knew what he must do. That night he went up to bed, but he went with no intention of sleeping. He lay there, hoping to hear his intruder. But he heard nothing. He waited for what seemed like the whole night and not a sound came from any part of the house. Byrch decided that the intruder had given up coming to his home and had found another source of food. And just as he was about to close his eyes to rest he had scratching coming from down the stairs. Silently, he rose out of his bed and began to make his way down. He peered around the doorway into the kitchen and was surprised to see what was infront of him. Cats. At least 15 of them, all there eating away at his food. He rushed into them to try to get them away and as he did, his mind acted before his body, this caused him to fall over. He began to fall, directly into the centre of the crowd of cats and as he did he braced himself for the impact of his face and the floor.
But it did not come, he opened his left eye and he saw the floor, inches away from his long pointed nose. But he was hovering above it. Was he dreaming? Had he dozed off and was now in a bizarre, faux world? He looked beneath him and saw the cats had gathered and caught him, stopping his fall. They all moved in unison and carried him out of the kitchen, out of the house and out of the wood. They carried him all the way to the local ticket station where they waited with him til sunrise. Byrch could not believe it, he was so far from home but he had done it! He had got to the local town and got tickets for Tenacious D! "Fuck yeah" he muttered as he lay on the moving carpet of cats as they carried him home.
The day of the concert had arrived and Byrch had got out his best suit, ironed it and wore his favourite cologne in the hope to impress the young, fine ladies there. Still feeling smug about his victory of apprehending the tickets Byrch watched The Pick of Destiny during the day. But then as 6 o'clock loomed nearer, Byrch realised, he had no way of getting to see them play! He would wait for the cats, he thought to himself. But they did not come in the day, only at night. Byrch was upset. So much so he cried. All the effort of obtaining a ticket, wasted. Byrch decided he would try to walk the distance, even though he knew he would not make it, he thought it he would die trying. He set off. He got out of his house and began walking the the now dark, damp wood. His legs were already tired so he whistled for a cab and when it came near the license plate said 'fresh' and it had a dice in the mirror, if anything Byrch could say this cab was rare...
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